And in that moment of decisiveness, the course of my life was changed completely. The moment was immediately followed by a flash of paranoia where some more rational part of me immediately flinched and did a double-take... "Wait what? Are you crazy!?"
But it was too late! The chain-smashing conviction I felt just moments before was still fresh in my heart. So intense and truthful that I imagine it's what some people would call a calling. A calling? All of a sudden that phone in The Matrix gained a whole new meaning:
The universe had dialed my extension and was like, "Bro, I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, but like... you should probably travel.". It was a call I've heard before, but I was too afraid to pick it up until now. It was time to start planning! First, I had to figure out why I was doing this.
Hmmm...
I wanted to leave my job because I had no passion for it. I want to explore, to get lost, to dive into the fascinating strangeness of other cultures, to discover the world's beauty, and to positively affect change and give lightshows everywhere I go. I want to find a way to live passionately and without compromising my values. I want to do it for as long as I can.
Several furious Google searches later, and I've drafted up a rough plan. The following modes of travel will allow me to accomplish the above, while saving money to be able to do it longer and in more places:
It would be so cool to somehow busk with my gloves for some extra coin too! I'll be spending my first 3 months in the Philippines, and whatever doors open from there will guide the rest of my journey.
So much to do! So little time!
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From the time I was born, I was groomed to become a productive, tax-paying member of society. Like all good parents, mine wanted me to be "successful": get through high-school with good grades so that I could get into a respected University and get a well-paying job to support my future family.
I wanted to make my parents proud, and of course I wanted to be successful too! I went along with it, hoping to become "successful". I believed that with success, came happiness (little did I know that it was the other way around).
The further I got along this road, graduating university and college and finally landing a job in my field, a nagging feeling began to creep into the pit of my stomach. The kind of feeling you get when you are going somewhere, but then start to sense that you have taken a wrong turn along the way and are getting further and further from your where you wanted to go. A slight discomfort with the trajectory my life was going in. I pushed it to the back of my mind and shrugged it off, too afraid of what I would find if I investigated further.
An Encounter with Death and some follow-up questions
Some time in 2010, a close uncle of mine died. Mortality hit me like a brick, and I found that I was afraid of death. I began to ask some big questions:
What happens when we die?
Do we just cease to exist? We're born, shit happens, then you die. Is life really that brittle and meaningless?
What we think/believe happens when we die has a huge impact on the way we live our lives whether we realize it or not.
What is my purpose?
Do I even have a purpose, or is life just an accident?
Who am I?
lol super cliche, but for as long as I have been living with myself, I still had no idea who I was beyond the labels and masks I wore.
How could I know my purpose if I didn't know myself!?
I went in search of answers in many different ways, some of which are described in my previous blog posts, Know Thyself Part 1 and Know Thyself Part 2. This was the beginning of an inner evolution. Fun exercise - you can scroll back through my Facebook and see my evolution as a person in my posts and in my thinking from 2010 to present.
In death, I found freedom
In early 2012, in pursuit of those big questions, I had another encounter with Death - soMeThing like a near death experience. Long story short, the experience gave me a new appreciation of life. I remembered how precious life is, and how little time we have here on earth. Too precious to be spent not following my dreams, and too little time to be spent notbeing happy.
"Better to have a short life that is filled with what you like doing, than a long life spent in a miserable way." -Alan Watts
The near-death experience rocked my world so completely that when the dust finally settled, I found that I was looking at a different world.
Each breath was a gift and I had the greatest gratitude for just being able to experience - to see, touch, hear, and smell the world around me. To feel emotion, to love and be loved. Problems and worries I was fretting over hours before, now seemed trivial and insignificant. I was no longer afraid of death... everyone dies sooner or later. What I was afraid of now, was not living.
When a decision is made
To be honest, my job wasn't that bad at all. I had a decent salary, full internet access, unlimited free tea and coffee, and wicked benefits. One thing it didn't offer me though, was fulfillment.
That slight discomfort I was experiencing previously pushed its way to the forefront of my mind. As the days and weeks wore on, every morning became a war with myself just to drag my body to work (my mind and spirit often didn't make it lol). Soon, it became unbearable.
After a lot of careful deliberation, I made a decision that aligned with my heart, mind, and spirit : I would quit my job and travel the world... after I saved some money.
Instantly, it felt as if a huge weight was lifted... the railroad switch clicked and I was back on track (or at least on a different track). Plans were hashed, discarded, and rehashed. All I knew is that I wanted to travel and make people happy.
Fastforward to today. A lot has happened since I made that decision two years ago and now I'm two months away from taking taking off for the Philippines to get this adventure started. I'm nervous, anxious, and my future is way less certain than before...
but one change in perspective makes this worth it already: I am now looking forward with excitement to what the future has in store!
Some people may see this as escapism and think I'm running away from real life. I know that this adventure isn't going to solve everything. This is not a final solution, but a way for me to further investigate those big questions. The way I see it, I'm not running away from life - I'm running towards it.
It was at the 2013 Veld afterparty at Koolhuas inside the historic Guvernment complex. I got there early and was jamming out while there was still precious real estate on the dancefloor, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turn around to find a girl I've never met before who asks me if I would like a lightshow. I had no idea what she was talking about, but I'm open to new experiences, so I gave an emphatic yes. She proceeded to sit me down and blow my mind. It was love at first light. I was instantly captivated, enchanted, and entranced. If that wasn't enough, a second pair of lights came out of nowhere and I got my first double lightshow, which melted me right through the floor and into outer space.
When the lightshow was over, I was speechless with the amount of joy and unspeakable emotion it had brought up in me. I hugged them, thanking them for the amazing lightshow and (little did I know), for sparking this flame that would fill me with a passion for gloving.
After that lightshow, I knew I wanted to do for others, what they did for me. To bring instant joy and happiness to a complete stranger with no strings attached, wanting nothing in return... it was a gift I wanted to share with the world. A couple of weeks later, I got my first pair of (blackout) gloves, and practiced like a mad man. Today, I can happily say that I have succeeded in sharing the gift I received that fateful night with countless strangers, some of who are now friends.
That's the thing about gloving - it connects people. There is an immediate intimacy between the giver and receiver. The space between the two collapses as the lightshow begins and they give each other their full, unwavering attention. The rest of the world fades to black and all that's left are two souls and the lights between them.
It was strange how quickly and how deeply I got into gloving. I feel like it has an important role to play in my future. I'll be bringing my gloves on my travels to spread the gift even further! Maybe I can teach less fortunate kids to glove? Get Emazing to sponsor a foundation so that kids can busk on the streets instead of stealing? Maybe start an organization of professional lightshow artists who can be hired to give lightshows at private parties and concerts? haha if you can dream it, you can achieve it, n'est pas? DREAM ON!!
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